For the Heart who feels Unqulified, Unlovable, or Anxious
About a month ago, I painted a flower pot and wrote the word peace on it. I wrote the word peace because for this past year I’ve been dealing with anxiety. I didn’t even realize that it had crept into my life because I was always so busy. I liked busy because it made me feel productive. Productive made me feel in control. Although I felt in control, I felt exhausted from trying to mentally control every moment in my life. Recently, I’ve realized I’ve allowed anxiety into my life out of fear. I was petrified that I could do something that could mess up the the will of G-d for my life. I was petrified of saying the wrong thing or doing the wrong thing because I hated the thought of G-d being disappointed with me. I believed something I did could ruin G-d’s plans, so I became a perfectionist. I was so ashamed I was battling with anxiety that I refused to tell G-d. Therefore, I kept Him at a distance. I felt the anxiety I was dealing with was such a burden to God. I believed G-d would punish me for the anxiety, not deliver me from it.
However, during that eight month battle with anxiety, G-d’s goodness and mercy was so faithful to me. He loved me when I wasn’t even looking to be loved. Over the years, I’ve learned it’s easy to believe that G-d loves me, but it’s another thing to believe G-d knows the fullness of my weakness and still loves me. For example, during that time I did believe that G-d loved me, but I believed He only loved me because I wasn’t showing Him the anxiety. I wanted G-d to see the best parts of me not all of me. So I did a lot of hiding.
Recently, I’m learning the power of being honest with G-d. To walk in joy, peace and freedom we have to be honest with ourselves and with G-d. John 8:32 says “then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free”. There is freedom in honesty because it’s founded in truth. Honesty is an act of faith. It means coming to G-d with all of our shortcomings and believing that He will give us mercy and deliver us. Darkness will never cast out the darkness, only the light can cast out the darkness. We have to come out of hiding and be honest with God. I couldn’t drive away my anxiety, it was only until I allowed the Lord to love me right where I was that I became free. You don’t have to wait until you become clean, perfect, or free to come to G-d. G-d doesn’t run from our fears, our fears run from G-d.1 John 4:18 says “perfect love drives out fear.” G-d accepts the broken, the bound, the addicted. Anxiety has taught me one thing and it’s that G-d is good all the time. He is good in the midst of when I battle anxiety. G-d’s heart is so for us. So often we allow the voice of condemnation and shame to creep into our lives believing it’s the voice of G-d. We think we can condemn ourselves into righteousness, but only by accepting the free gift of Yeshua do we become righteous. Romans 4:5 “But people are counted as righteous, not because of their work, but because of their faith in G-d who forgives sinners.”
I’ve learned I need to stop trusting in my idea of perfect, and start trusting in G-d’s idea of good. My life is not perfect, but it is good because I trust in a good G-d. G-d is greater than anxiety. He knows what you’re dealing with. He doesn’t want to punish you, He wants to deliver you. He doesn’t want to condemn you, He wants to love you. I’ve learned G-d is in love with the process. G-d could have chosen to immediately take away the anxiety, but instead He allowed it to teach me about the power of His love through it. What you’ve been through, what you’re dealing with, the very thing that you think disqualifies you from receiving the love of G-d might be the very thing that G-d wants to use to show you about the greatness, goodness, and power of His love. The anxiety that Satan wanted to destroy me with, was what G-d used to show me the faithfulness of who He is. He wants to do the same for you. I encourage you to stop hiding. I encourage you to be honest and vulnerable with G-d. Invite Him in right where you are. He’s welcoming you into His embrace, open up your arms and receive Him.



